Friday, January 1, 2010

A long Awaited Update

Holy cow it's been forever. Well over a year, I'd say. But, I do have good reason, I SWEAR!Yes, after experiencing a most devastating loss, and then enduring a most troublesome and difficult pregnancy, we were finally blessed with the sweetest little blessing. A little brother for Malcolm!

So, without further ado, let me delve straight into the realm of blogging once again. To say that life is wonderful, is an understatement. But to say that it has not been met with it's fair share of difficulty, would be an outright lie. As mentioned, almost from day one, my pregnancy with Jace was faced with problems. First, we had to get past our fears. Every morning, it seemed, I had to remind myself that this pregnancy was not a dream. Morning sickness hit hard, and soon enough, turned itself into a most detestable case of hyperemesis. Somewhere at about 25 weeks... I had about 3 weeks without any nausea or vomiting, only to have it return. In fact, the hyperemesis in and of itself, was the root of most of my problems during this pregnancy. Potassium levels were all over the place, causing stress on my heart. I actually dislocated a rib, from all of the vomiting, and weight gain, or rather loss, was always an issue. When all was said and done, on my final dr's appointment, total weight gain was -6 pounds. But, I'm so happy to say that Baby Jace was born happy and healthy, and is beyond loved and cherished.

We were able to come home the day before Thanksgiving, a very bittersweet event. The one year anniversary, to the day, that we learned our angel baby had been called back into God's arms, would be buffered by the joy of bringing home a beautiful, healthy, beautiful baby boy. It was exactly what I needed to finally get that last bit of closure. To be able to think on the joy we felt for those 10 perfect weeks, without anger or sadness. What a beautiful gift Jace is.

As I count my blessings, and believe, I do, I must also be honest, and come to terms with the fact that sometimes, not everything in life is perfect, or blissful. As much as I adore my family, my husband, and my boys, I must also come to terms with the fact that I developed a bad case of Postpartum Depression. Medication is definitely taking the edge off, but I still have ups and downs. Good days and bad. And sometimes... I have days that I can't even bring myself to come out of my bedroom, let alone go outside and face the world. The one positive in all of it though, is that unlike most cases, it has not manifested itself against the newborn. In fact, I've said it several times. If I could take him, to a deserted island, and just be alone, him and I, I would be most happy. It's the rest of the world that can go to hell. Of course, I don't mean that literally. But that's how the depression manifests itself. It's everyone else that I'm feeling disconnected from. Angry with. Sad about. And amazingly enough, the logical part of my brain is aware that the rest of the world has done nothing to warrant my wrath. For the most part. Of course, there are those who just absolutely must push my buttons. For what reason, I can only surmise, as they enjoy being threatened with bodily harm, but that's only an assumption, as I've not actually asked them WHY they continue to say or do the stupid things they do. LOL I guess that's life though. Stupid people will continue to exist. And breed. And the rest of us, will continue to fight the urge to choke them. Haha!

That all said.... I hope everyone had a very blessed holiday, and a fantastic New Year!

Studio 13

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