Sunday, December 28, 2008

Silence is not always Golden

So, somehow, in the course my sleeping, a decision was made, within the recesses of my mind...

No longer will I silently bite back my thoughts, and brood over them in the privacy of my own home. No longer will I let other's actions and words dictate MY emotional well being, or that of MY family.

If you feel the need to open a can of worms, be prepared to muck through the mess you've made. I will no longer excuse behaviors I find offensive, or thoughtless. If you push a button, or step on toes... you'll be called on it. And if you don't like it....then I suggest you put more thought into what you say and do.

I'm well aware that sometimes, people act, and speak, without thinking. But that doesn't excuse it. It shouldn't. People should be called on those thoughtless moments. People should be held accountable for their actions.

What this all boils to, is that I'm sick of making excuses for those who would otherwise just railroad, and bulldoze their way over other peoples wants, needs and emotions. "Too hell with what they think." Well... if that is truly how you feel, then my calling you on it, should be a welcome reprieve. Because quite frankly, I don't care anymore, what you think. If you have something to say, feel free to say it, but expect a response from me. Good or bad, I'm not holding it in anymore. I'm not losing sleep over your stupid behavior, I'm not stressing myself to the point of sickness over the stupid things you've said, and I'm certainly not going to let the stupid stuff you do, override, or overpower, anything going on in MY family.

That's right. MY family. MY husband and son. No. We are NOT going to apologize for not calling 10 times a day. WE have a life to live. We are NOT going to apologize if our son prefers someone else to you. Life of a toddler, deal with it. And we WILL NOT apologize for the day to day happenings that prevent us from doting on, and catering to, your petty, selfish needs to be number one in everyone's lives. Because, quite honestly, you aren't.

So, unless you want to go there with me, and believe me, I'm MORE than willing to, I suggest you stop your petty ass whining, complaining, and backstabbing, and start treating those around you...with some respect.

Monday, December 22, 2008

A good day...for the most part.
Current mood: moody

It's taken me more than three weeks, but today.. I had a pretty good day. Got up, got breakfast together, got breakfast dishes cleaned up, and actually started baking Christmas cookies and making Christmas candy!

Of course, all of this 'happy' activity was countered by an 18 month old who refused to listen. AT ALL.

Even as cold as it is (4 degrees right now and the warmest it's been) I didn't find myself falling into 'whoa is me'.

Of course now, I'm a little upset. I'm tired, I'm cold, and just generally in a crap mood. Perhaps I shouldn't have taken a nap, when I got tired. Maybe I should have just forced myself to stay awake. At the very least, I would still be in a better mood.

It doesn't help that I spent all morning baking, and cooking...And when my husband mentioned to our neighbor that I was doing so, he immediately put his hand out. Not literally... but you get the idea. I had plans to make little gift plates for people, and my husband doesn't understand why I'm upset that our neighbor's first response to my baking was, "Can I have some?" Just a stupid little question. But I was PLANNING on taking over a gift basket for Christmas. Now I'm of the frame of mind to just slap some on a plate and be done with it.... I don't know.. maybe I'm being unreasonable... but right now... I just don't care. I guess I can equate it to having a specific gift for someone in mind, and then finding out, three days before Christmas, that they went out and bought it for themselves.

I just want to start feeling better... ALL of the time... This up-down emotion thing is starting to get old.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Finally...an update. (Kind of graphic...and VERY long)

Well... to say this past week has been difficult, would be the understatement of the year. I know that I have not responded to a lot of messages, or comments, and believe me, I wanted to. But a few things kept me from doing so.

First, I just didn't have the heart to respond. Everyone has been so sweet, and so heartfelt, and all I really wanted to do was lash out and yell at the nearest available person. No one deserved that, so I opted to simply keep my mouth shut.

Second, and this is the biggest reason...

As you all know, Wed, the night before Thanksgiving, is when we went to the ER, and found out we'd lost out baby. They'd sent us home, since my cervix was still completely closed, and the bleeding was mild, with the intent to let my body do what it needed to do. Barring any complications, my body would 'take care' of things naturally, and all would be well in 4-6 weeks.

Things did not go according to plan. Sunday, I woke up with the WORST cramps EVER. Every time I went to the bathroom, it felt like all of my insides were falling out. EACH time, it seemed I'd passed at least a gallon of blood (along with clots and tissue.) Well... by that afternoon, I was starting to pay close attention, and was starting to talk myself into going back to the ER. 4pm rolled around, and I thought a shower would help relax me, and maybe help ease the cramps. 15 minutes into the shower, I began to get dizzy, and very light headed. I quick grabbed my robe, and stumbled to the couch, where I laid down, and let the feelings pass. That was just before Mom called (I think she called, or maybe we called her.. I don't really remember much very clearly.) While talking to her, I do remember talking myself more and more into going to the ER, to the point that finally Matthew got up and just started getting everything ready. So, I hung up with Mom, and to the ER we went. At this point, I am now having to double up on pads, AND change them every 15 - 20 minutes. They got me into a private room right away. That's when things went downhill, FAST.

This is where my memory get's REALLY fuzzy, so please bear with me. I know my doctor did a cervical exam, and determined I was indeed miscarrying. They sent me to a more private room, to try to relax, and let my pain meds and nausea med take effect, before she would go in and try to remove some of the tissue. Her thought was, to let the meds take effect before she went in, to help make it less uncomfortable for me. God Bless her. A little while later, they took me back, so she could clear out the tissue. Unfortunately, she couldn't get it all. She commented that it was very soft, and kept pulling apart, so she was going to order a D&C. It would happen within the next couple of hours or so, and back to my private room I went. So... a little bit of time passed, maybe a half hour, and I had to go to the bathroom. Of course I did. So, the nurse helped me up, and I went to the bathroom. I made it just far enough from the emergency pull string, that I couldn't reach it, when the floor underneath me started to tilt. Then the world went topsy-turvy, and like tunnel vision, everything in my periphrial started to go black. My only thought was to get to the door. I managed to grab the handle, and open the door just enough, to call out, before I dropped to my knees. I remember hearing her yell out, "Oh honey...." before she helped pick me up, and get me back into my bed, where I remained, on my side. She took my blood pressure, which read at 81/47. That's when they started measuring my blood pressure every 15 minutes. Immediately, they called the OB on call, which just happened to be my doctor that delivered Malcolm. Within 15 minutes of that first reading, he was there. Another reading, and his expression told us all we needed to know. "Julie! What's going on!... You're so pale!...." Then some mumbling, and withing moments, I was signing permission slips for anestesia, and surgery. An emergency D&C was underway within 20 minutes. From the moment my second reading took, I remember a slew of people coming in and out, all in blue hair covers, saying hello, introducing themselves to me and Matthew, reassuring us I was going to be okay. I remember rolling into the operating room, and because of my IV, they needed to restrain my arm, so that it wouldn't pinch off. I remember them putting the board in place, and the anestesiologist saying, "You won't know anything, you won't feel anything, and you won't remember anything." He was right. Because that's the last thing I remember.

I woke up about an hour later, in recovery, very nauseous, and in some pain. The nurses there were wonderful, in that everytime I felt a pinch, they were there with a syringe for my IV. No pain for me. Finally, they released me, and I went to my permanent room, where I was monitored closely. Every hour, my vitals were taken. And every hour, the nurse would frown, and make a comment about needing to get my blood pressure up. By now, it was after 2am, and Matthew and Malcolm were in my room with me. They stayed til about 4am, when they were assured I would be okay. My nurse gave me a large dose of stadol and phenergan, and within minutes, I was asleep.

When I woke up again, it was time for breakfast. I was hungry, but very tired, so I nursed it for a bit, before falling back to sleep. It was 10 am again, before I woke up. My Dr was calling, and telling me his 'plans'. He was not comfortable with my blood pressure, and even though the surgery went very well, I had indeed lost a great deal of blood before hand. If my blood pressure didn't come up soon, I would require a transfusion. Sure enough, that afternoon, they started the first of two. My Dr. said he was not comfortable sending me home, and hoped I wouldn't be upset if I had to stay a day or two. Even that though, did not bring up my hemoglobin counts high enough though. They were expecting me to perk up, at least some, but I continued to remain tired, sleeping most of the day, and all of the night. I still had bouts of dizziness and light-headedness, and it wasn't until I was going into my third day, that my color finally returned. Two and a half days in the hospital, two pints of blood, emergency surgery, and I am now officially diagnosed with Iron Deficiancy Anemia, on top of everything else I've been through this week. I've been taking my iron now for three days, but I still tire very easily, and still experience moments of weakness, and dizziness. There is still so much healing that needs to happen, both physically and emotionally, and for the most part, everyone has been simply wonderful.

For everyone who sent and offered heartfelt wishes and prayers of well being, recovery, support and love. I thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul. Your words, no matter how eloquent, or simple, meant the world to me, and Matthew. So many of you, here, and elsewhere, lifted us up, when we were unable to do so for ourselves. Thank you for respecting our need to not answer the phone 100 times a day, and thank you, for now believing that it was the only thing we wished to talk about, when we did talk to you. Thank you for helping to, at least for a moment, pretend that life was 'normal', and for allowing us, and helping us, to find humor in something as simple as 'how to properly kill a bug', 'cooking a yummy turkey' or even watching a blood elf and a tauren arguing over 'her'. ::smiles:: Thank you EVERYONE, for those rare, and fleeting, but oh so precious moments of laughter, and normalcy.

Friday, November 28, 2008

TickerShack.com Ticker

angel blinkie angel blinkie

loss awareness blinkiemiscarriage blinkie

remember blinkie

I guess these tickers and blinkies say it all. I just don't have it in me to say the words again. I don't have the strength right now to go over again, the events leading up to her no longer being mine to hold. All I know right now, and all I feel, is pain. Angry pain, sad pain, jealous pain. All I want to do is sit in my living room and scream at the top of my lungs. Yell at whoever looks at me. Hit whoever tries to talk to me. Scream at whoever tries to comfort me. I don't want comfort. I want my baby.

I don't have in me right now, to relay the events again, so please forgive me for not telling my story. I will, in time. It's just too much right now. It's still too raw. It's still too painful. And unlike my other rants, or vents, retelling it, does nothing to help alleviate my pain. It just makes it worse.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Yeah, it's been a while since I've posted anything, and I'm sure those of you who are keeping up, are wondering just what is going on.

In a nutshell.. not a whole of lot of ANYTHING. I'm either too tired, or too sick to even THINK about doing much. So tired, and SOOOO sick in fact, that I've actually lost 9 pounds since testing positive! ::Yikes::

So, a small update, while I've not actually had but a couple bouts of morning sickness, I'm so nauseous, ALL of the time, that 75% of the time, I can't even physically force myself to eat. It's almost as if there is some invisible restraint, holding my hand just out of reach of my mouth. The smell, the look, the taste of MOST foods is just revolting to me right now. And yet, my stomach grumbles and roars in protest, because I'm SO hungry! ::gah!!!:: My two complaints? (I know, "Only TWO!?")

1) THIS SUCKS!!!!
and
2) THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!!!

Malcolm, we believe, has officially transitioned himself into the depths of "Terrible Two", and we've thought seriously about the effects of putting him up for auction on E-Bay. Well, not really... but.. sort of. LOL With his not speaking, he get's incredibly frustrated when things don't go 'as planned'. Of course, we, his parents, are not always privy to WHAT this plan is, since he won't (and I say won't, because we KNOW he understands language, he just for some reason, REFUSES to use it!) tell us what the plan is. Or even if we're in the same vicinity of the same page as he is. All we know is whether we've succeeded in overwhelmingly making him happy... or thoroughly pissing him off. He either giggles with glee... or grunts, and huffs, and throws his toys. Usually at ME. ::Grrrr::

That said, his physical therapy seems to be going very well. He's really starting to warm up to both of his therapists, especially Tess. She's working with the Occupational therapy, teaching him how to play properly, desensitizing him to different textures, temperatures, touches and other such things. Kristy, his Developmental therapist, is working with catching him up. Helping him with his independence, (such as self feeding, using a cup, instead of a bottle) and some communication - words WITH signs. He's a bit more resistant to Kristy, we think, because she's slowly changing the 'norm' for him. "Oh, that woman doesn't want me to use MY bottle." or "What do you mean I can't just grunt and get my toy?! What is this... 'Tell me' crap you're trying to pull!?" LOL One thing we HAVE learned, is that this 17 month old little boy has a head harder than any mule I've EVER seen. The 'wait him out' trial is NOT a very feasible option, at least not for now. He will literally sit and cry, and scream, and carry on for HOURS.. not just one or two... like, six, seven... and MORE... until all of us are so frazzled, and Matthew and I are so upset about him not eating, or taking his nap, that we're finally just...Give 'it' to him. Whatever 'it' happens to be the moment. So, we definitely need to find a new approach to transitioning him from one thing to another. In his whole life, he has NEVER let himself cry himself out. He keeps himself going, and going....and going. I've never seen a child with his stamina. LOL

Regardless of this one little hitch, he's actually doing very well. Thriving. He LOVES to play and sing and hum and laugh. In fact, I'm convinced that if he would just open his mouth, while humming, actual words would come out. LOL! He seems to hum LOTS of 'responses'. If you ask him something, or tell him something, or just kind of babble along with him, he 'hums' in response. Not sing-songy, but like, "MmmHmm" sort of hums, without the 'H'.

He's such a sweet and loving little boy too. LOVES to give "Big Hugs", or play "Squeeeeeeze the Malcolm!" (which entails giving him Big squeeze hugs. lol) He also LOVES to do 'death drops' and 'toss ups' with daddy. The more 'death defying' the better it seems! I think we're going to have a bungy-jumping, sky diving fanatic on our hands!! The faster you 'drop' him, or the higher you throw him, the MORE he squeels, and laughs. And he thinks he's so cool too! He LOVES playing 'Keep away' with anything from his toes, to his blanket. If you say, "I'm gonna get..." He doesn't even let you finish. EVERYTHING get's moved away! LOL. He's so funny.

And the faces! OMG, he's a goof. He's learned how to work his eyebrows, so the array of faces he now practices is nothing short of hilarious! Mad faces, silly faces, happy faces, sad faces. He does them all, with such flair and passion, that you can not help but be drawn into them, and actually find yourself mimicking his faces back at him. (I thought it was supposed to be the other way around. LOL)

Well. I've once again, talked all of your ears numbs, so for now, I'll leave you with some pictures from Halloween!

Until next time!

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Monday, October 27, 2008

And it starts...

So, I'm probably just overly hormonal today, on top of being utterly exhausted, but dammit... I think I'm entitled every now and again to have a "bitch attack".

I'm 95% certain the note Matthew left for me was just a 'good morning, this is what happened when I woke up' note, but for some reason it came across as, "good morning, now get off your ass and do something." Of course, as I said, I was set off before I even opened my eyes.

Malcolm's into EVERYTHING today, getting himself stuck wherever he an find a place to get stuck in, and Milo... well, let's just say Milo's about to become a small rug... Effing cat!

I'm battling nausea, that won't quite get bad enough to actually make me throw up, and yet, right now, that's all I really want to do, because I know it will make me feel better. My head and nose are so stuffed, I feel like some little malicious imp stuffed 25 pounds of raw cotton in my sinuses. I'm hungry. My stomach is rumbling, but everything in the kitchen right now, makes me gag, and I can't physically force myself to even look at that crap right now, let alone actually put it in my mouth.

My head is pounding, and I know it's because I've cut back on caffeine, and at this particular moment in time, I don't rightly give a rats ass WHAT the experts say. I'm cranky, and I don't feel good. Give me my damn caffeine!

My whole body is just tired. There's no other way to explain it. I don't have the energy or strength to even ATTEMPT to vacuum or do dishes. And amazingly enough, I'm learning, they won't do themselves either. And here I thought, I lived in a magical kingdom where dishes danced through a bubble bath, and broom and mops twirled about until floors sparkled. Snow White can kiss my ever loving white Irish ass. Where can I buy myself some woodland creatures to swoop in and take care of everything I don't feel like doing right now?

On top of everything else, I'm a little irritated with the human race in general. Maybe not so general. Perhaps my irritation is more specific. Like to everyone who decided that my email really wasn't important enough to respond to. To everyone who thought it was appropriate to just sort of write off our excitement as, "whatever" or, "oh, I heard, by the way, can you come over and...", and to those who responded with a ".....again?" You know what you can do with yourselves...

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Read on! Your eyes have not deceived you!





Yup! You're eyes are NOT deceiving you! And yeppers, the title says it all! This new little bean is Due in June! June 23rd to be exact!!
So, according to the calendar, I'm a little over 5 weeks along! Mixed feelings come with finding out so early. I'm excited as all get out, of course, but I also know that it makes for a very long 35 weeks. LOL.
pregnancy
Of course, a million and one dreams and schemes have manifested, all in the course of 24 hours. What will he or she look like? Will it be a "he" or "she"? How will Malcolm be affected? How will our little family change? Of course, none of these compare to the utter sense of joy and completion that has enveloped my heart. Our family will be complete And amazingly enough, Matthew surprised me with his thoughts on names. We were SO adamant that we wouldn't do anymore M's or J's. Well, once again, he's touched my heart with his sensitivity and his own heart. His suggestion...Let's find a J name, so that we'll have two M's and two J's, so that I'm not the odd man out. ::sniffle:: So far, and if we follow 'tradition' this very well could change at the last minute lol, I'm liking Jillian and Jayden. (We all remember 'Benjamin', right? LOLOL) But it's early, and right now, I can say, we have lots of time to figure it out. Of course, I'm sure, this will go go quickly, and before I know it, I'll be in a state of panic. LOL

So, how did I tell Matthew? I think this says it all...





And so, here we again, start another journey into the wonderfully exciting, giddily fantastic, and utterly scary world of Pregnancy! Lucky for Matthew, we have added another two years of scrapbooking and blogging to keep me busy!


Okay, I in order to get you here, without ruining the surprise, I had to deceive you.. a LITTLE bit.. ::grin:: But wasn't it worth it?

Well, since you've all been such good sports about it, I'll throw up (no pun intended...lol) some REAL pictures of our trip to Texas! Hahaha!! Enjoy!

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Saturday, October 11, 2008

Weight Update!










Another FOUR pounds! I've been slacking the past couple of weeks, with all of the stress and and now the travel I've done, but at least I've moved ahead, and not backwards.. WHEW...

I'm finding my resolve renewed now... When I get home, I'm going to start hitting it HARD.... I WILL LOSE THIS WEIGHT!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Early Weigh in today!





I didn't blog last Friday, and this past week has proven stressful, if nothing else. I'm actually suprised to see the numbers lower this week! Talk about motivation for next week! I CAN say that even through the stress and drama of last week, I was GOOD about what I ate! I even allowed myself to nibble on some KitKat Wed. Night, and I'm STILL down three pounds!

GO ME!

Friday, August 15, 2008

Weekly Weigh-in!

Another pound and a half gone! Yay!! NOW I'm truly motivated! I think my first small term goal will be twenty pounds, and I'm almost half way there! Yipppieee!



Tuesday, August 12, 2008

What a nice Weekend!

So, Mom came to visit for the weekend. We had a REALLY nice time! Not a lot of time was spent at home, but that's okay. We still had lots of fun!

We went out Saturday, to the Marion National Cemetery so she could go visit her Dad (my Grandfather). Long story short, she never knew him. Didn't even know about him until she was 45. So, seeing his grave for the first time, brought up a lot of emotion for her. She has questions, that of course, will probably never be answered now, with Gram in the midst of Alzheimer's. Of course, if she were well, those questions would probably remain unanswered as well. That's just the way of it. Any question that contains any amount of uncomfortability in it, get's answered with, "I don't know." Oh well. Hopefully, we have enough internet savvy people in the family now that the research can be done without having to go through Gram.

Other than that moment though, we were all smiles. Malcolm, of course, was in RARE form, exploring all of the new faces and sounds he could make with his face. LOL! PRICELESS! I'll post pictures later.

And speaking of pictures. We went, with Mom, to have our pictures taken! They don't come in until the 21st, but I did get a cd. As soon as I'm done creating the pictures I actually wanted, instead of the ones the photographer thought we should have, I'll post some of those too.. Not entirely happy with the finished products. Of course, it wasn't until the next day, when I REALLY got a good look at them, that I realized I wasn't happy with them. Will probably wait until I have the pictures, to call and complain about the session, and our lack of choices.

Well, for now, that's about it. Off to sweat away a few more pounds! Talk to you all later!

Friday, August 8, 2008

1 Week check in!



WOOHOOOOOOOO!

There's 6 pounds less of me today! Talk about an awesome motivator!

See you all next Friday!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

It's time to take it off...

No... NOT my clothes. LOL.

I'm tired of looking at m pictures, and trying to figure out how to edit some of this weight off of my arms, under my chin, around my middle. I do NOT like the way I look right now, and I've simply hit that wall. It's now, or never. I'm tired of getting mad because my jeans are tight. Or my shirt doesn't lay right. And I'm especially tired of trying to figure out how the image I have of me, when I look at myself, is so vastly different from the image I have of me when I either look in the mirror, or at a photograph...

So... it's time... I don't want to hate the camera anymore. I don't want to shy away from get togethers and family fun, because I refuse to wear a swimsuit.

So.. here's my goal!!! Of course, I shall keep this updated. And NO, I will not post my beginning weight, until I've lost a good deal of it. When I'm happier with how I feel, and look, then maybe I'll be brave enough to tell you all what I started at. Until then.... We'll just update with photos.



Starting Photo: (Yes, I've tried to find the most unflattering photos.)
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Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Just an update

So, Malcolm had his 1st birthday party! After some sister in law drama, we finally got it underway, and of course, he had a GREAT time!! Yay! It's so hard to believe he's already a year old! Where has the time gone?

Well, Matthew starts his new job on Thursday, after going through all of this training for the other job. Funny how God engineers stuff, isn't it? As most of you know, he got laid off from AMDS. Almost immediately, he was recruited to work for this company that did industrial cleaning and such. Funny thing is, that all of the training he did, Power washers, confined spaces, Hazmat... didn't seem to have anything to do with what he was actually doing. Pushing a broom, and hosing off the paint sprayers. Not sure exactly where that confined space is, inside that big booth that paints a car! LOL
Well... after a couple of weeks, his DREAM job called and wanted to interview him! Of course he jumped on it. And as of yesterday, he is now employed, doing exactly what he loves to do. Playing with electronics. LOL. Of course, it's more indepth than that, but I have a hard time not picturing him sitting there, giddy like a school boy, playing with gadgets.

After some VERY UNNEEDED drama with the family, the truth has been revealed. Gram is fine, though a little loopy at times. With her diabetes and dementia, she displays a few inappropriate behaviors, and has resorted to some very child like behaviors, but physically, she's as healthy as she can be. And to think, a certain cousin had her lying on her death bed, not more than a week ago. RIDICULOUS! So... yeah.. for more indepth blogging on that whole fiasco, you can check out my MySpace Blog.

With all that's been going on, I haven't had any time, let alone desire, to scrapbook, practice photography, or even photo edit. *sigh* Needless to say, I feel VERY behind on all of that... But... I DO have some pictures to share...


The birthday boy-getting ready for his big day!


The super cool, super huge birthday cake!


The total extent of his 'smash cake moment'.


LOVING the swings!! A LOT more than the cake, apparently. LOL



Birthday boy - Wandering off into the sunset.

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