Friday, November 28, 2008 Ticker

angel blinkie angel blinkie

loss awareness blinkiemiscarriage blinkie

remember blinkie

I guess these tickers and blinkies say it all. I just don't have it in me to say the words again. I don't have the strength right now to go over again, the events leading up to her no longer being mine to hold. All I know right now, and all I feel, is pain. Angry pain, sad pain, jealous pain. All I want to do is sit in my living room and scream at the top of my lungs. Yell at whoever looks at me. Hit whoever tries to talk to me. Scream at whoever tries to comfort me. I don't want comfort. I want my baby.

I don't have in me right now, to relay the events again, so please forgive me for not telling my story. I will, in time. It's just too much right now. It's still too raw. It's still too painful. And unlike my other rants, or vents, retelling it, does nothing to help alleviate my pain. It just makes it worse.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Yeah, it's been a while since I've posted anything, and I'm sure those of you who are keeping up, are wondering just what is going on.

In a nutshell.. not a whole of lot of ANYTHING. I'm either too tired, or too sick to even THINK about doing much. So tired, and SOOOO sick in fact, that I've actually lost 9 pounds since testing positive! ::Yikes::

So, a small update, while I've not actually had but a couple bouts of morning sickness, I'm so nauseous, ALL of the time, that 75% of the time, I can't even physically force myself to eat. It's almost as if there is some invisible restraint, holding my hand just out of reach of my mouth. The smell, the look, the taste of MOST foods is just revolting to me right now. And yet, my stomach grumbles and roars in protest, because I'm SO hungry! ::gah!!!:: My two complaints? (I know, "Only TWO!?")


Malcolm, we believe, has officially transitioned himself into the depths of "Terrible Two", and we've thought seriously about the effects of putting him up for auction on E-Bay. Well, not really... but.. sort of. LOL With his not speaking, he get's incredibly frustrated when things don't go 'as planned'. Of course, we, his parents, are not always privy to WHAT this plan is, since he won't (and I say won't, because we KNOW he understands language, he just for some reason, REFUSES to use it!) tell us what the plan is. Or even if we're in the same vicinity of the same page as he is. All we know is whether we've succeeded in overwhelmingly making him happy... or thoroughly pissing him off. He either giggles with glee... or grunts, and huffs, and throws his toys. Usually at ME. ::Grrrr::

That said, his physical therapy seems to be going very well. He's really starting to warm up to both of his therapists, especially Tess. She's working with the Occupational therapy, teaching him how to play properly, desensitizing him to different textures, temperatures, touches and other such things. Kristy, his Developmental therapist, is working with catching him up. Helping him with his independence, (such as self feeding, using a cup, instead of a bottle) and some communication - words WITH signs. He's a bit more resistant to Kristy, we think, because she's slowly changing the 'norm' for him. "Oh, that woman doesn't want me to use MY bottle." or "What do you mean I can't just grunt and get my toy?! What is this... 'Tell me' crap you're trying to pull!?" LOL One thing we HAVE learned, is that this 17 month old little boy has a head harder than any mule I've EVER seen. The 'wait him out' trial is NOT a very feasible option, at least not for now. He will literally sit and cry, and scream, and carry on for HOURS.. not just one or two... like, six, seven... and MORE... until all of us are so frazzled, and Matthew and I are so upset about him not eating, or taking his nap, that we're finally just...Give 'it' to him. Whatever 'it' happens to be the moment. So, we definitely need to find a new approach to transitioning him from one thing to another. In his whole life, he has NEVER let himself cry himself out. He keeps himself going, and going....and going. I've never seen a child with his stamina. LOL

Regardless of this one little hitch, he's actually doing very well. Thriving. He LOVES to play and sing and hum and laugh. In fact, I'm convinced that if he would just open his mouth, while humming, actual words would come out. LOL! He seems to hum LOTS of 'responses'. If you ask him something, or tell him something, or just kind of babble along with him, he 'hums' in response. Not sing-songy, but like, "MmmHmm" sort of hums, without the 'H'.

He's such a sweet and loving little boy too. LOVES to give "Big Hugs", or play "Squeeeeeeze the Malcolm!" (which entails giving him Big squeeze hugs. lol) He also LOVES to do 'death drops' and 'toss ups' with daddy. The more 'death defying' the better it seems! I think we're going to have a bungy-jumping, sky diving fanatic on our hands!! The faster you 'drop' him, or the higher you throw him, the MORE he squeels, and laughs. And he thinks he's so cool too! He LOVES playing 'Keep away' with anything from his toes, to his blanket. If you say, "I'm gonna get..." He doesn't even let you finish. EVERYTHING get's moved away! LOL. He's so funny.

And the faces! OMG, he's a goof. He's learned how to work his eyebrows, so the array of faces he now practices is nothing short of hilarious! Mad faces, silly faces, happy faces, sad faces. He does them all, with such flair and passion, that you can not help but be drawn into them, and actually find yourself mimicking his faces back at him. (I thought it was supposed to be the other way around. LOL)

Well. I've once again, talked all of your ears numbs, so for now, I'll leave you with some pictures from Halloween!

Until next time!








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