Tuesday, June 10, 2008

???

Ever feel like no matter what you say... no matter what you do.... no matter what you think... it's all going to be Wrong? And that any opinion you might have, contrary to what is at the moment, popular consensus, is.. well.. just that. Wrong.

I HATE feeling this way. The only thing I feel I can do, to avoid any misunderstandings, or conflicts, is to simply shut my mouth, and 'go with it'. If I speak up, and say what's on my mind. Than I'm just causing problems. Picking a fight. 'Not seeing the whole picture'. Making a mountain out of a mole hill. If I keep silent, than I'm closing myself off. Not allowing those who love me, in. Making things worse. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Ever feel like, no matter what you do, not a single person will ever acknowledge the hard work you do. The time, blood, sweat and tears you put into everything? The sacrifice.

I guess that pretty much sums up everything I'm feeling right now. I don't know WHY I feel this way right now. I don't know WHERE these feelings come from. All I know... is that everything today, has set me off. I'm trying desperately not to take things personally. As calculated slaps in the face. But it gets harder and harder.

I feel like anything, and everything I've done, and do, aren't worth squat to anyone. And like one simple 'favor' acted on my behalf should be rejoiced, as if the planet has just been saved from itself. I don't FEEL like patting you on the back, and making a bit 'to do' about anything right now. Don't expect it from me.

I work my ASS off, trying to keep this house together. Trying to create a home, that is happy, and 'together' for my family. And in return. I don't ask for anything. Maybe that's my mistake. I don't know. Maybe it's true, "If you don't ask for anything, you won't get anything."

To top this all off.. Guilt has started to sink in. I should be joyful, and happy. Malcolm's birthday party is in 4 days. And right now... I'm inches away from calling everyone and telling them to forget it. I don't feel like putting any more effort into it. I feel like I'm the only one that cares about it anyway. What a great Mom I'm turning out to be, huh?

All I want to do is cry... but then.. everyone around will hound me about 'What's wrong?" I don't KNOW what's wrong. I just feel like CRAP!

Or maybe I'm just over reacting, letting my mind wander too much. All I know right now....

Is if I fell asleep... and didn't wake up again for a month...... I'm pretty sure... I wouldn't care.

No comments:

Studio 13

Swidget 1.0 3